|Xposted to Customers Suck/Waiting Tables
||[Mar. 8th, 2005|01:04 pm]
Would you like some steak with your gravy???|
Ok. So. I work in a smoking restaurant. MOST PERKINS HAVE A SMOKING SECTION, and unfortunatly Perkins is sort of known for being a smoky place. Particularly during late nights. Anyway, I dont smoke and really dont care that the county I live in is banning smoking in bars and restaurants in a few weeks. BUT. NOTHING makes me want to get on my soapbox more than some 350-lb moose woman, and her 500-lb husband thundering in the doors, with WALKERS, demanding to sit at a table because they are TOO LARGE TO FIT IN A BOOTH, going through 20 refills of Diet Coke because theyre overly thirsty due to their ADULT ONSET DIABETES FROM BEING MORBIDLY OBESE... then ordering some of the most REPLUSIVLELY UNHEALTHY GREASE-BUCKET items on the menu (including but not limited to) anything with EXTRA hollandaise, EXTRA ranch, EXTRA gravy, extra butter for the pancakes, extra mayo, a SUPREME BURGER with fries with ranch, extra cheese in the omelette, a COUNTRY FRIED STEAK WITH EXTRA SAUSAGE GRAVY, a DOUBLE BACON BENEDICT WITH A FUCKING BLUEBERRY MUFFIN (youd die if you knew how much fat were in Perkins muffins.... 36 grams on average and 600-700 calories PER muffin), or a piece of FRENCH SILK PIE....
...then complaining about how smoky it is, and saying that smoking is a digusting habit, and that it kills people so they cant WAIT for the smoking ban to go into effect because why would a restaurant allow such a deadly habit?
But the 500 sloth whos stomach hangs over the table, and who needs to move the chair next to her out of the way so she can sit down.... with the hashbrown hanging from her mouth as she asks for her 17th refill of Diet Coke and her 3rd side of extra butter for her Tremendous Twelve... is clearly treating her body like a temple, and is a picture of health.
I propose the "Put down the omelette, you fatass" calore restriction policy. Not saying that all fat people eat like this, or complain about the smoke, but, I have at least 2 per day. 2 MORBIDLY obese guests, complaining about how smoking is the worst thinig in the world for your health. But if they want to preach about health, I'll show them health.
"I'm sorry ma'am, you've reached your 3-scoop-of-butter limit, and, I need to see a copy of your cholesteral, blood pressure, insulin production and liver function before I can authorize that County Fried Steak and Egg breakfast with an extra side of gravy. Put down the hashbrowns, sir, you dont fit in the entire chair. And, while you're at it, keep the hashbrowns IN your mouth and not splattered all over the table, while you order me to give you 3 bowls of creamer for your coffee"
I realize smoking kills people, even second hand, which is where the smoking ban originated from. I realize that abusing alcohol kills people, even people who dont drink (ie drunk driving incidents). And I realize that the ephedra (and more recently, the ephedra-free substitutes - fuck you, FDA) pills that keep me alive and kicking during my grave shifts and keep me sane when DEALING with these kinds of guests may or may not cause me to lose my mind, fry holes in my brain, or make my heart explode. But, since I'm not the most health conscience cookie in the jar, I make DAMN sure to not utter a snide comment about anyone elses vices. Im not the moral - or health - barmoter for anyone. However, last time I checked, 1 in 3 Americans are overweight, like 1 in 5 are obese, healty exercise and eating habits are on the downslide, and heart disease is the #1 killer in this country - more often than not related to weight-and-cholesteral related complications. So, what am I SUPPOSED to think when I get a guest like this whos berating me for the joint being smoky, like I PERSONALLY am the Marlboro CEO. "I had an aunt who died from smoking, I cant believe you let people SMOKE in here, CHILDREN COME IN HERE". Mmmm. Im sorry your aunt died, but unfortunatly, that doesnt warrant me telling a diningroom full of sleep-deprived college students that they need to take their walking-ashtray-asses elsewhere (at least not until March 31st, then it would be my pleasure).
And, last thing. I just had a baby in November. I gained like 90 lbs from toxemia, and I lost about 75 of it already. Most of it was fluid, so that was easy enough, but I had a little help with the lovehandlse and the saggage from my newfriend, Trimspa, and my life-long-partner, caffiene. Ive managed to stay in perfect health, mentally and physically, because Im not going overboard on the shit, ie Anna Nicole or your average tweeking glass-head. Some guests who knew I just had a baby, ask me how I lost the weight so quickly. So, I tell the truth, and I get the lectures. "That shit will kill you". As theyre digging into a fucking Chicken Tender Melt with 3 bowls of ranch, and fries with mayo, and chainsmoking. Unfortunatly, the average weight and age of the guests who make snide comments about my weight loss is 250 and 30, respectivly.
Keep eating your fucking omelettes smothered in cheese and hollandaise, ladies, and I won't call the Artery Patrol on you. But shut your hamhole about the smell of the smoke or your opinion about diet drugs. Or give some a try, then get back to me.